The Long Road Back - Pandora Shuffle
by cancellationbedammed
Summary: This great idea of a shuffle came from Angel's Jeddie Shuffle. I am giving it a shot but instead of my Ipod I am using Pandora. I plan on telling these stories in first person, using all the October Road characters. Something different for me, no so Jeddie Centric... I hope you guys like it and review. I don't own ant of the characters or songs...They are just my inspiration.
1. Chapter 1

Janet - Arms Christina Perri

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart

But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

You put your arms around me and I'm home

How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around

I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling

I'll never let a love get so close You put your arms around me and I'm home

The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved

I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone

You put your arms around me And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my wallsI hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling

I'll never let a love get so close

You put your arms around me and I'm home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth And I've never opened up I've never truly loved 'Till you put your arms around me

And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my wallsI hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling

I'll never let a love get so close

You put your arms around me and I'm home

You put your arms around me and I'm home

* * *

Sometimes I think I must be an idiot. Actually, I take that back because I know that I am, in fact an idiot. I have always been the funny, chubby, friend girl. Not girl friend, friend girl. It is just the way it has always been, and honestly it has been a comfort. Going thru this harsh, hopeless world is much easier when you know your place in it. You know exactly where you fit and with whom. Not that anyone would let me forget my place, even if I wanted to. Why is it that people, no matter what they have, who they have, how they look, still manage to be complete and total assholes. Ready to pounce and crush what little glimmer of happiness you just happen to find. Or maybe I am just the kind of person who allows people to take their happiness away, maybe I even give it away with both hands. I guess it really doesn't matter, the point is I had happiness and now I don't. And trust me when I tell you the only thing worse then not having happiness at all, is losing it.

I had a man, a great man. He thinks he is just a guy, just a run of the mill guy, chasing the glory days of his youth. Just a boy at the bar. Trying to find his place in the world, when everyone wants him to stay in this box; be what they want him to be, what they need him to be. But I know better, because I actually see him, I always have. I see his strength and his weaknesses, I see his courage and his fear. I see it all, he could never hide it from me, despite his best efforts. For me everything begins with Eddie, and he is where everything stops.

I miss him, he won't look at me or talk to me, he won't even acknowledge my existence on the planet earth. But I miss him, so much that I ache. This deep, hollow pit deep inside of me, every time I think about what happened, about what I did, about what he said. This pit just grows, and knots me up so I cant move or breathe. Striking at all the wrong places and times. When I am at work, when I am driving, when I am alone in my house. The feeling starts and then the tears. I cant stop them. Just tears.

* * *

It's been two weeks, two long weeks with out him and I know deep down he is never going to forgive me. I cheated, not because I was unhappy or because I wanted another man more then him. I cheated because I am an idiot. Because I am insecure, because I never thought I was good enough, because I love him and don't think he loves me back. Well now I am sure that he does not love me, after what I did. So two weeks have passed, and I have hidden for most it. Just going to work, and coming home. Avoiding our friends, knowing that if sides need to be chosen, they will chose his. They should, not that his hands are clean, not that he didn't play a huge part in what happened. How it was that I ended up drunk and in bed with another man. But who cares about the details of a break up really, its all about the end game. I had sex with another man and he kissed another women. The scales of justice teeter on his side.

* * *

My house was starting to feel small, really really small. I needed air and space, I needed milk and bread too and maybe some wine. Ok, several bottles of wine. I felt like a zombie walking up and down the aisles of the market, my mind was just blank. Word had gotten around our small town, what I had done. So I was acutely aware of the whispers and sideways glances I was getting, stink eye was being thrown my way left and right. I pulled my Sox cap further down on my head and kept my eyes down. I mindlessly put items into my cart, until I got to the holy land, the wine section. I threw a few six-packs of beer in the cart out of habit. Eddie was a beer drinker, so I always kept my fridge stocked. When the wine ran out, I admit I finished the two six packs that I had, but I missed seeing them there, stacked in my fridge. Deep down I bought them in the hopes he would return, but I know he never will. Next I turned my attention to the rows of reds, I didn't really care what they tasted like. I couldn't tell mango notes from peach ones. I just wanted something on sale that didn't taste like cough medicine. I found a few that looked promising and picked up a few whites for Hannah. My oldest and dearest friend, who had not abandoned me in what we were calling my Scarlet Letter days.

It was then, like cat following a laser beam of light I saw him, with Ikey picking up a few cases of beer. I stood there watching, just watching, my body tingling just having him so close. He looked sad, something in the furrow of his brow, the slump of his broad shoulders, he looked defeated and that was all my fault. I wasn't sure if I should fight or flee, and my indecision made the decision for me when Eddie's eyes locked with mine. His bruises were fading, and the gash over his eye looked like he was healing well, I could still sense his body was in pain just from how he was carrying himself. The royal ass kicking he had gotten from Matt Lauche left it's mark in more ways then one. I felt self conscious under his angry gaze, his eyes burning at me, burning thru me. I pulled on my sweatshirt, uncomfortable in my own skin as usual. My cheeks began to burn and I couldn't help the tears that were forming in my eyes, I also couldn't speak or move. I was like one of those whales trapped in shallow water.

I watched him take two steps towards me, and then just as quickly he took three steps back, his face unable to hide his inner conflict, his confusion. For a second I thought that I saw that look, the one he used to give me right before we kissed, a hungry I missed you, I need you, I want you look. But I was so wrong, just as quickly his face turned to ice and then he was gone. Ikey standing there, pity in his eyes, he gave me a small nod before turning and following Eddie out the door. Their cases of beer still in their abandoned cart.

I grabbed two more bottles of wine, wiping the tears from my cheeks with the sleeve of my sweatshirt and made my way to the check out line. It was the first time I had seen him, and for a few seconds before he saw me, it felt good. Just to be near him again, it felt right and then it didn't. The second his eyes locked on mine, all the shame and the regret came one back with a vengeance. And he hated me, that was easy to see. Hate radiated off on him, like sex used too. I drove around for bit, with the windows of my Jeep wide open. I drove along the edge of town, where the trees were all green and full and the only car on the road was my own. I drove too fast, my foot pressed on the pedal, it was the first time that I felt in control for weeks, maybe even months. If only I could drive around forever, like a shark never stopping. Maybe then I could forget, maybe then all this sadness would go away. But all there was to do was go home, change from my day sweats to my ratty night sweats open a bottle or two of cheap wine and a bag of cheese puffs and wait for morning to come so I could do it all again.

* * *

Walking in to work used to be an easy thing to do. My place is Sully's. My safe place, even before I started working there, I would sit in a back booth, order a burger and crack open my textbooks. For the most part I could sit there and be left alone, Sully would keep refilling my sodas and quiz me every once in a while. When the money for the Duf ran out, and my rent was due it was Sully that gave me a job, bussing and wiping down tables, rinsing out pitchers. And then like a flash, ten years passed and I am still bussing tables and rinsing out pitchers. But again who cares, its my place. And I am lucky to have one. But lately it sucks being here, everywhere I turn there is a picture of Eddie, or one of his friends is sitting at the bar, or one of our stupid songs will come on the jukebox and I just feel like crap. Total and complete crap.

I have tried to quit, but with Rooster leaving with no notice, not that I wasn't grateful for his exit. After what happened and how he took advantage of my drunken state and broken heart, I was thrilled when he up and left to go work at the Johnson Inn. But now I feel stuck, all I want to do is go far, far away. Start new and fresh, a new life on a new shoreline. But I can't, my place is here, Eddie is here. I cant leave Sully in the lurch after all that he has done for me, so here I am working a double on a beautiful sunny Saturday. Waiting and wondering if Eddie was ever going to come back to the bar, dreading if and when he did.

The place was packed, it always was on Saturday. There was no place better to go and we had the best wings for two counties. I was always grateful for a crowd, kept me busy, kept my mind on thought of refills and burgers. Hannah and Ray were in the bar tonight, which was becoming more and more frequent. Ever since Big Cat put that ring on her finger, he took to showing Hannah off like she was a 1965 Mustang at a car show. It turned my stomach, but I kept my mouth shut. Hannah had enough on her plate, Sam's baby daddy drama, the Nick drama, the Ray drama. She didn't need my two cents, and I honestly didn't have the energy. I was barely dealing with my own stuff.

"Hey you, god its busy tonight." Hannah sat down at the bar with an empty beer glass in hand.

"It sure is. You want a refill?"

"Nah, I am just about to leave, we only have the sitter until ten. I just wanted to tell you that Eddie just got here." I froze, deep into my core. I went cold as my eyes darted around the bar looking for him. He was at a high top in the corner, with Nick, Owen and Ikey. Karen was taking their order. Thank god for Karen. "Janet did you hear me?" I nodded robotically, unable to take my eyes away from him. Damn it. I forced my gaze back to Hannah, doing my best to keep my expression from giving me away.

"Ok, ok Hannah. He is here. We talked about this. It was bound to happen. I mean I ran into him… kinda…at the market yesterday. So, its fine. I am fine." Hannah raised on of her perfectly sculpted eyebrows, not buying a word I was saying.

"And you are lying." It always made me crazy how Hannah could read me like a freaking book, how she always knew when I was full of crap. "Its ok that you are not fine Janet. You have earned the right to not be fine."

"Hannah I had sex with Rooster, what right did that earn me, come one?"

"And he kissed Rory. You both were wrong, the only difference is that you were drunk… And let me tell you Eddie had made his fair share of drunken mistakes." There was something in Hannah's tone that lead me to believe there was more to the story, but everyone knew Eddie's past. It was nothing new. I saw Ray off to the side, giving Hannah the not so subtle lets go vibe, if he wasn't so good looking he wouldn't get away with half of the crap he does. Deep down I still believe that he knew that Matt was going to give Eddie an ass kicking.

"Damn it. I have to go. Look if you need me tonight, just call. Don't worry about the time." She gave my hand a reassuring squeeze before she turned and walked away into Ray's extended arm. I looked back at Eddie's table, this time keeping my attention on Nick. He watched Hannah the same was I watched Eddie. From a distance, a sad distance. I took a deep breath, hoping that it would refresh me, instead it made me dizzy. I laughed in spite of myself, picking up and rag and wiping down the bar, quickly before getting back to the dance that was my job.

People don't realize that doing what I do is an art, it's a juggling act really. Knowing what people like and how they like it, remembering all the little things, knowing when someone has had too much, listening to stories offering advice, keeping tabs and that's just behind the bar, when you are out on the floor well it's a freaking ballet. Delivering food and drinks, keeping the customers happy, cleaning up messes, breaking up fights. By the end of the night I have run a marathon and I still have to close the register, clean the taps and get ready for a new day tomorrow. So yeah, I am just a bartender but I am the best damn bartender you're ever gonna find. So when Matt walked into Sully's with a few of his buddies, out on bail I didn't hesitate to do what it is I do.

"You're not welcome here Matt." I crossed my arms against me chest, trying to hide my shaking hands. Matt always gave me the creeps, even before the beat down. He was always making comments, making fun of my ass and then grabbing it.

"This is a public establishment Janet. I can be here if I want to. And I want to."

"Actually, you cant be within one hundred yards of Eddie who by my estimation is about thirty yards to your immediate left." I pointed in the general direction of Eddie's table, not having the courage to turn my head and see if he was looking in my direction. A coward to the core. "So like I said you are not welcome here."

"You and Latekka kiss and makeup?" I saw a smirk, flash across his face and I could tell he and Eddie had made eye contact.

"What? No." I responded, quickly… too quickly, because before I knew it Matt's attention was back to me. He pulled me into him, and kissed me. Every part of my body, recoiled as his tongue forced it way into my mouth, I bit down until I tasted his blood. That seemed to loosen his grasp and I finally was able to push him away, getting a sharp slap across his face. I think it hurt my hand more then it hurt him because he started to chuckle, spitting blood on the floor.

"What the hell is your problem Matt!" I yelled out, completely unglued. "Get the hell out. NOW!" Endorphins were pumping thru my body, I was pissed and embarrassed. I could feel the quiet of the bar like the night sky behind me. I stood there like a stone, watching as they left waiting for the doors to close behind them before I forced myself to turn back around. I kept my eyes to the floor, willing the tears to wait, just a few seconds until I was alone. I nodded at Karen, who's face said it all, a mix of pity and horror.

I grabbed a bottle, not really sure of what and a shot glass and walked past the bar back into the storage closet slamming the door behind me. The tears finally came, and I was helpless to stop them, you would think with all the tears I had cried that I would be fresh out, unable to produce a single tear, but nope. I am a tear making factory, like one of those Chinese factories where the poor workers never stop. Thru the fog of tears I was able to pour myself a drink. The first shot was more like mouthwash, to rinse away any trace of Matt, the second was to calm my nerves and the third was just because I needed another shot. It was after that, I was able to control my tears and my breathing. Ok, a few deep breaths and back to the mines.

I heard a light tap on the door, as it slowly pushed open. I expected to see Karen there, but my eyes followed up the long length of plaid, to Eddie face.

"Hey." His voice was soft as he closed the door behind him, leaning against it.

"Hey." I could feel the tension between us, in this small space. The closest we had been for weeks.

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine Eddie." Even I wasn't convinced by the false pitch of my voice. I turned my back to him, it was hard to look at him. So tall and his brown eyes filled with concern instead of anger. The ache began to build again and I would be dammed if he saw me cry.

"Janet, come on, are you ok?"

"No. ok. No." I bit my lip hard, to try and give myself a focus.

"I am sorry that Matt kissed you. That son of a bitch. That had to do with me and you just got caught up in the mess. It wont happen again." I could hear the controlled anger in his voice, and I hated to admit that it made me happy. Happy that he was pissed that Matt had kissed me.

"Yeah, I know." His arms wrapped around my shoulders from behind, pulling my back to his chest. I always felt so small when I was this close to him, his frame and height eclipsing me completely. My body instantly relaxed, it couldn't stop it even if I tried. When his arms were around me I knew that I was home. I heard a small sigh escape from his lips as his chin rested in the top of my head. My hands wrapped around his wrists. I couldn't tell you how long we stood like this, but neither one of us wanted to move. It was so simple for a little while, anyway. Just Eddie's arms around me, like it was suppose to be.

"I don't know what do here Janet. I just don't know what to do." I could hear the sadness in his voice, and it tore a hole through me.

"Either do I." I wanted to beg him to forgive me, I wanted to kiss him, to feel his mouth on mine again, to tell him that I loved him and for him to tell me the same. But didn't have the right to ask or the will to beg. When he release me from his grasp and stepped away, I felt the cold air circle my body. Missing him already. I didn't turn until I heard the door closed and I knew he was gone. I wiped my eyes, put the cap back on the bottle and with my head high I went back to work. Sully's was my place, and no one not Matt or Eddie had the power to take that away from me. It was all I had left.

* * *

The night came to it close, Karen and I were closing up shop. It had been a bitch of a day and I couldn't wait for it to end. I was counting out the register, while she mopped the floors. We worked well together, and had everything done in under an hour. We made our way to the parking lot, and I saw his truck parked outside in his usual spot, just waiting. I waved to Karen who smiled broadly from her car as she sped away.

"I uh, just wanted to make sure you made it home safe." Eddie had rolled down his window and yelled across the lot.

"Eddie, its fine. Go home its late." I couldn't believe he was there, like he used to be waiting for me. It was nice for a change, to be the one being waited on. I felt like I was always the one waiting around for Eddie to make up his mind about me, about us.

"Janet, I am going to follow you anyway." I opened my mouth to protest, but I knew this had to do with Matt and Eddie still feeling responsible for me. What was usually a hollow pit in my stomach was now full of butterflies.

"Ok, Eddie, Thank you."

I drove home slowly, with Eddie in my rearview mirror. How many times had we done this before. Him following me home after a long night, most times we would barely make it to the front door before his hands were on me, unbuttoning an article of clothing. Laughing the entire way to my bedroom, god we were happy. I wish I would have paid closer attention to all the little things, things that were long forgotten. Things that would never be again. I couldn't help the feeling of disappointment that filled my heart when I pulled into my drive way, knowing that Eddie would not be coming with me. But I did feel safer having him there and I was grateful for that if nothing else. Maybe we could still be friends.

I got out of the Jeep, my entire body aching. I stretched, my entire spine cracking loudly.

"Wow, that sounded like a machine gun." I jumped at the sound of his voice so close behind me. "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you."

"I um, thought you left."

"I was going to, but I have to ask you something." Oh, shit…shit… shit… I couldn't for the life of me figure out what he wanted to ask me. Maybe it was along the lines of why are you such a slut?

"Sure Eddie, anything." I braced myself for the worse, making a silent promise to not over react regardless of his question. I could see him struggling to find the right words, crafting the sentence in his mind.

"Why didn't you call me out, at the bar. When you knew she was in town, you knew that I saw her? Its just not like you to not… put me on notice." A wave of relief flooded over me, a question I could answer.

"I uh, wanted to, I planned on it actually. But then she came in to Sully's and I talked to her. She was so freaking pretty and sweet. I thought I could never compete with that, never. I mean first the Rory and Eddie history and then her utter perfection. You were being so distant, so shady. I just felt like it was over, like your mind was made up and you just didn't have the heart to tell me. So I did nothing. I should have fought for us. But I did what I did based on the information I had, mixed with every insecurity I have and there you go."

"I didn't know that she came to Sully's." He stood there silent, I could see him processing everything I just said, playing the day over in her head trying to make sense of it all. "How did Rooster… I mean…"

"I called him, I was really upset, after I saw you guys kissing. In my mind you were fucking her, honestly that what I thought was happening. So I called Rooster because for years he has been the guy in my life. The person I called when I needed a friend. And let me tell you, that night I needed two things booze and a friend, but what I got was Moonshine and Rooster."

"He brought you MOONSHINE?"

"Yes, but I am a big girl Eddie, I chose to drink it. I would have drank gasoline, if it would have helped get rid of the thoughts of you and Rory in bed together. So I drank and drank and drank, and then everything got fuzzy and I didn't hurt so much. And Rooster started saying these great things. How I made him feel, how he wished I saw the Janet he saw, how he loved me. And I kissed him…" I wanted to lie and sat Rooster made the first move, but I had never lied to Eddie before I wasn't about to start now.

"You kissed him… wow Janet." The hurt was etched across his face, and I hate to admit that I felt like he deserved it. Like he knew what I felt like watching him kiss Rory, I hated that I was so childish and petty but I couldn't help what I was feeling.

"Then I don't really remember much else, its all like flashes and blurs but I woke up and he was there and I felt awful. I cant even begin to put into words, what that was like for me. Because I had betrayed myself. At that moment in my mind you were waking up with Rory, but me I had sex with a man I didn't love, I had taken all my pride and self-respect and thrown it away over you." And then I realized how angry I was at Eddie, for weeks I had put the focus on what I had done and his feelings ever allowing myself to tap in to what I was feeling.

"And then when I acted like what happened with Rory and me was no big deal, it was to you." I could hear the shame in his voice.

"It cost me everything, Eddie. But you always regarded me with such little concern."

"Excuse me?"

"You did, every step of our relationship I was an after thought. The BBQ, homecoming, providence, the French place, Rory. I was always secondary to something or someone because you knew like a loyal dog, no matter how hard you kicked me I would always be waiting for you… Because you must have known from the very beginning that I loved you. You not Hail Eddie and all the lore and bull shit, but you. The guy who lets Phil live with him for free, no questions asked, the guy who takes Sam to movies on the off chance he is best friends son. the guy who always makes sure I get home safe. But I forget sometimes, that there are two Eddies, the one who fucks girls just because he can, the guy who let his buddies make fun of me for years, the guy who kisses his ex just to see if he could, the guy who will never love me…" The words were just coming and I couldn't stop them, like everything that I had wanted to say the entire time we were together came pouring out. I was always so afraid to be honest, because I didn't want him to leave me, but in the end he did. I felt like a weight had been lifted, and I could breath again with out pain. Eddie looked at me like I had slapped him in the face, and in a way I had. I was exhausted, all I wanted was my bed. I turned and walked up my path as quickly as I could, not wanting to hear what he had to say. For once I wanted the last word.

"Janet wait!" I heard him call out and his foot falls behind me. "You are no delight either…"

"Excuse me?" I turned quickly, angry.

"You heard me, since the beginning you have been pulling me in and then pushing me away. You want me to be something I am not, I am not a knight in shining armor here to fix you and your never ending list of emotional issues."

"My never ending list of emotional issues… ok…wow…"

"I get that you had it rough, I do…but you never trusted me… you never trusted us."

"Yes I did, that's what is so hard, I did. That morning, I thought this is what happiness is, this is what love feels like… I didn't want you to fix me, because I didn't need fixing. I thought you wanted me at face value, I didn't have to change, or hide parts of myself I could just be…"

"Yeah I thought the same damn thing…"

"Then why did you kiss her?"

"I have no idea, I have thought about this for weeks and I have no idea."

"I think you're just as insecure as I am. the way you need approval from the masses."

"Maybe that's true, I'll never fucking know. Damn it Janet, I don't want to be here with you like this. I didn't want this for us."

"Yeah well… I gotta go Eddie, I am just so tired. I cant sleep anymore. "

"Janet, wait!"

"Eddie just go home ok." I was shouting now, not caring about my sleeping neighbors, not caring about Eddie feelings. The only thing that I cared about was getting into my house before I started to cry again. I bolted, not giving him the chance to speak or change my mind. I was angry at him, at myself at the entire situation. And I was done, done being sad, done feeling guilty. And then I heard it, the only three words that could make me stop and turn around. The three words that I had waited a life time to hear. Three words and everything changed.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey - I just wanted to thank you guys for your really great reviews, Huds and Hooked you guys are the best. I uploaded a chapter that was incomplete, so if you read that I deleted it and uploaded this one... Please reread. Also there was a huge viewership to the first chapter, which took me by suprise...so all you guys out there reading, thanks... I hope you are liking the story... Please review and offer up any song ideas... I am looking for a song for Phil... xoxo cbd

Eddie: I Miss Everything, Colbie Caillat

I miss those blue eyes

How you kiss me at night

I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise

Like the taste of your smile

I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you

What I should have said

No, I never told you

I just held it in

And now,

I miss everything about you

Can't believe that I still want you

And after all the things we've been through

I miss everything about you

Without you

I see your blue eyes

Everytime I close mine

You make it hard to see

Where I belong to

When I'm not around you

It's like I'm alone with me

But I never told you

What I should have said

No, I never told you

I just held it in

And now,

I miss everything about you

Can't believe that I still want you

And after all the things we've been through

I miss everything about you

Without you

But I never told you

What I should have said

No, I never told you

I just held it in

And now,

I miss everything about you

Can't believe that I still want you

And after all the things we've been through

I miss everything about you

Without you

* * *

I love you, it's just three small words. God knows I have said them over the years. Saying them is one thing but meaning them is an entirely different story. You know that awkward moment where a girl you have been dating for a few weeks looks you in the eye and tells you she loves you. You sit there frozen like a deer in the headlights. She sits there waiting for you to respond as your mind races until finally, you mutter them back to her. Knowing you don't really mean it, but saying it is really your only option because not saying it back is a fight you just don't want to have with a girl you don't love. You end up feeling like a shit when you break up with her a week later, she cries, it sucks but its also a huge relief. It is what it is.

The kicker though, is when you actually love someone, really love her and you don't have the stones to say it out loud. You just sit there wanting to say it, planning how to say, when to say it, where to say it and then the moment comes and nada. Nothing. And the worst part is, Janet wasn't even expecting it, she never even knew how I felt. Looking back I don't think she really believed that we would last. Like there was a clock ticking down for us, she was just waiting for me to dump her. Me, I didn't really see an endgame for us. Which was scary as all hell but on the other hand its was kinda reassuring. Janet always made me feel like things were possible. Anyway it doesn't matter, we're over, done.

* * *

I have never cheated, I mean I have been the guy girls cheat on their boyfriends or husbands with. But I have never claimed love and fidelity only to lie and cheat. I never saw the point really, if you want to sleep around... say single. So I have never cheated but I have been cheated on. twice actually. Rory wasn't really that much of a shock, looking back. We were just kids pretending we were adults, at the time I thought I would marry her. It seemed like the thing to do, what was expected. But deep down, i knew once she went to college we would be over.

Now Janet is another story, she is the complete unexpected. I never in a million years would have thought Janet would be the person I would end up falling for. I mean, not only does she not look like the girls I normally date but everything about her is different. She is kind, despite the fact that the world has not treated her very kindly, she is loyal and fierce, real a fighter. She laughs with her whole being, every part of her. She is not afraid to be herself, even though she hates to be judged, it never stops her. She is brave, braver then anyone I know. She is honest, even when the truth hurts.

When she told me she cheated, at first I didn't really believe what she was saying. It just was so unlike her, but then her blue eyes filled with tears and I knew it must be true. I felt like I was punched right in the gut, and how that felt was still fresh in my memory thanks to Matt and his buddies. I could tell that every word she spoke was tearing her apart. It was written all over her face along with guilt and regret. Every word had the same affect on me, I felt gutted. First nick and his abandonment part two and then Janet the one good and true thing I had going telling me that she had sex with another man. I snapped, I did. I played on every weak spot, every insecurity Janet had. With my guns loaded I fired back at her. A small voice nagging me that I had Kissed Rory, that I had gotten the ball rolling. But the sheer volume of my yelling, and that little voice was easily silenced. I thought in my ultimate stupidity that here leaving would somehow make me feel better, but every footstep she took away from me only made it worse. I have missed her from that moment forward.

* * *

I have a role to play in this little life of mine, I am the guy that sleeps with girls, gets into fights, drinks beer... Except I am not really that guy, But I do a bang up job at pretending I am. The week after Janet confessed her transgression I was still so angry, crazy angry. It took every ounce of my being not to beat the living hell out of Rooster. He was lucky that I was nursing five broken ribs and was taking a page from Phil's playbook. I didn't leave the house much that first week, not wanting to see Janet not wanting Janet to see me.

I knew Rooster was in love with her, I mean it was as plain as the nose on his face. Janet of course was clueless for the longest time, never seeing her value. The part that was making me crazy was the off chance, Janet was in love with him. They had been friends for years(the way we used to be), he was always hovering around her (the way I used to), they hung out all the time(the way we used to). He was the expected choice, hell before I started dating her I always thought they would end up together, if he ever got the balls to ask her out. The fact that Janet was not the kind of girl who fell into bed easily, without thought was really sticking in my brain. Her lack of self esteem somehow never overshadowed her sense of self worth. Janet knew she deserved more but never able to ask for it. She was a strange mix of strength and weakness.

Ok, so I know that she saw Rory and I kiss, and I am a dick for kissing her. I get that, I really do but I can't imagine how hard that was for her to see. But would that be enough for her end up having sex with Rooster if she didn't have feelings for him. It was eating me up, the idea of them together. It was all I could think about. Where it happened, how it happened, how may times it happened. Owens need for an infidelity tour was not making perfect sense. I was done, that was it. I couldn't think about Janet anymore. I was drawing a line and I was on one side and Janet was on the other. I am Eddie Fucking Latekka, there are plenty of girls out there, girls who are not cheaters, girls who are not in love with guys named Jake or Rooster. Janet was my past and I was moving forward. And then I heard that Pizza Girl got a job at Sully's

"I am serious Eddie, Rooster quit. Sully offered me his job. I gave notice at Ridge Pizza Today. I start in two weeks."

"Wait, what are we gonna call you now? Sully Girl?" Phil looked up from his laptop, at the women he loved, a smile on his face. It was so easy for them, they just knew they were in love and that was enough.

"No Silly, although is does have a nice ring to it but I guess you will have to call me by my real name." Pizza Girl was an enigma to me, she was quirky, funny and hot but one of the only girls I ever met that I didn't want to sleep with. Not just because she was Phil's girl, I kinda felt like she was my little sister.

"Which is..." Phil rased his eyebrows and it was then I realized he didn't know her first name. They had been together for eight months and all he ever called her was Pizza Girl.

"Uh, Emily." She blushed when she answered him. It was sweet.

"UhEmily. What an odd name that is."

"Ha, ha. Very. Funny. Philly, now can we get back to Janet and Eddie please. Rooster and Janet got into a fight so he up and quit."

"Don't you mean a lovers quarrel?" My stomach turned, everyone in the Ridge knew they had slept together. Rooster couldn't keep his mouth shut. Bragging that he had stolen Janet away from me.

"Eddie, get your head out of your ass. Janet and Rooster are not together, not even a little. She is mad at him, and hurt he totally took advantage. I know the name Janet has been banned around these parts but I cant just sit here knowing what I know and not tell you." I had made it known that I didn't want to hear or know anything about Janet or Rooster. If anyone had even so much as tried to talk to me about it I would just leave. It was childish but I didn't give a fuck.

"You should let UhEmily speak Eddie, she has a wealth of information in that pretty multicolored head of hers."

"Ok UhEmily go." I sat back on the sofa, arms crossed on my chest.

"Seriously, The UhEmily is going to stick?" We all nodded, as she exhaled annoyed but not really "Well, she saw you kissing she who shall not be named on the porch, for which you are a huge asshat might I add." I cringed, not my finest moment. "She was upset and called Rooster, her friend..."

"Wait a minute, hold on... she has lots of friends. Why didn't she call you or Hannah?"

"Well, Hannah was busy with the engagement party and I am as much your friend as I am hers. Rooster is her only friend that isn't friends with you I guess. Anyway, she wanted booze he brought her some. She got loaded, now I have never seen Janet drunk in all the time I have known her have you?" She looked at Ikey, then Phil who both shook their heads no, her eyes finally rested on me. I thought back all the years I had know Janet. I had only seen her drunk once and she had good reason, it was right after her dad died. We were just friends then, it was a few months before Nick came back to town. It was her night off, and I remember thinking how I hated nights when she wasn't there. The place wasn't the same. She stumbled into Sully's right before last call, half in the bag. A few shots later she told me her dad was dead, that she barely knew him and now she never would. I drove her home, and she feel asleep in my truck. Looking back, that was the moment I feel in love with her. It took root right there and then.

"Rooster was sober?" I knew he was and that fact was only fueling my need to stomp him into the ground.

"Yes, from what I understand he was?"

"What you understand?"

"Well, Janet was hysterical by the time she got to this part. It was hard to you know, get all the details. Anyway the point is, she does NOT love and/or care for Rooster. What happened was a drunken mistake..."

"And Eddie knows a thing or two bout drunken hookups..."

"Shut it Ikey."

"Waaah its true, you want to sit here and wallow and be pissed that's fine. I ain't gonna stop ya .Hell I'm not even gonna judge ya. But the girl you love is out there and you can be with her. The rest of us are not so lucky, you know what I am sayin."

"He makes a good point there Eddie my Boy. I mean if it was just a drunk hook up, that can be forgiven. It sucks that it happened at all but it does not have to be the end of the world as you know it." Phil closed his laptop and handed me a CD.

"What is this?"

"It's the crown jewels of India, what does it look like. Its a mixed tape for Janet. Give it to her."

"Give it to her Eddie!" Emily chimed in, she would have made one hell of a cheerleader back in the day.

"I am not giving her a stupid mixed tape Phys. End of story." I put the CD in my back pocket, why I didn't just give it back to Phil I will never know. "Ikey were out of beer, beer run?"

* * *

Ok so I had some more intel. Janet and Rooster were not a thing, that alone made it easier to breathe. I mean maybe they were right, I had a drunken one night stand with Hannah, granted Nick had no idea that it happened but it did give me some perspective on the situation. Much needed perspective. And she didn't lie to me, it's not like months passed and it came out, she was upfront and honest from the get. Maybe I could forgive her maybe this could just be a bad memory.

"You were talking about Allison weren't you?" I looked over at Iket, slouched over in my passenger seat. I realized that he had a broken heart too.

"Yeah, I was. Not that it matters."

"You really loved her?" He just nodded, not wanting to say it out loud. I totally understood.

"You love Janet."

"Yeah, I do."

"That wasn't a question dude. It was a statement. She made a mistake, we all make em. If Owen can forgive me and Allison then you can forgive her."

* * *

I loaded a few cases of beer into my cart, my mind still on Janet. Who am I kidding, it was always on Janet. I couldn't escape her even if I wanted to and the truth was I didn't want to. I wanted to forgive her, I wanted to forget. I just didn't want to admit it, my pride was as broken as my ribs. And then I caught a whiff of Janet, her perfume and her shampoo, Vanilla, mint and a flower maybe Jasmine. I always wanted to ask her what it was but I never did. I was brought right back to that morning when she handed me a brown paper bag and sent me off with a smile and a swat. I looked up and there she was, her blue eyes fixed on me. She looked sad, tired and scared. She was wearing her Red Sox hat and my Patriots sweatshirt, she could have been a Duf student with no make up, hair pulled in a ponytail. I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to kiss her, but I couldn't. I took a few steps towards her and then the image of her in bed, what I considered our bed with Rooster came to the forefront of my mind. The tears forming in her eyes pulled me towards her but it was my pride that pulled me back. Damn it! I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Why did Rory come back to town? Why did I kiss her? Why did Janet sleep with Rooster? And why didn't I tell Janet I love her when I had the chance? All of those questions had the same answer... Because I am an idiot. I was as angry at myself as I was at her.

"Well that was... Ya know I don't even know what that was Eddie."

"Cork it Ikey."

"Cork it... yeah... whatever dude... Did you see her face, you should have just kicked her. It would have been less painful to watch."

"SHUT UP IKEY! I am serious." I punched my hand into the steering wheel.

"Fuck this, I know you and me are just barely friends again. But I would be the worst friend ever to just watch you and do nothing. You are going to Sully's tomorrow night and you are going to fix it Eddie. You are going to hear her out. Because when you guys all shut me out, and didn't even try to hear my side, you still have really, it was hell. When the people you care about the most look at ya the way you just looked at her. She doesn't deserve that and deep down you know it. You nailed Hannah Jane when Nick was still her boyfriend. I kept my trap shut, cause it only happened once and Nick got that ball rolling. What Janet did was no different. Actually it is different because she had the stones to come clean knowing you would be creased, knowing that you would dump her. I'm out Eddie. Sully's eight..." Ikey jumped out of my truck, slamming the door behind him. I wanted has slumped shoulders walked up Jefferson Road. When did Ikey become Yoda? How did that happen.

* * *

I walked into Sully's with Ikey, Nick and Owen in toe. I hadn't been there for two weeks and nothing changed, except that Rooster wasn't there. Janet was behind the bar, busy as I have ever seen her. Watching Janet work was as entertaining as any sporting even I had ever seen. She was fast on her feet, she always knew what you wanted to drink, she always kept the old drunks in line. She didn't see us come in and I was honestly relieved, I needed a minute and some liquid courage. Karen took our order and I watched as Hannah and Janet talked at the bar. Nick's eyes like mine planted in their direction. He was the only person I knew who was worse off then I was. Hannah had chose Ray and Aubrey had chosen Ronnie. The world was not right. She look over in my direction for a second, and I looked away, giving my full attention to Karen and the two shots I was ordering. When I turned back, Janet was gone. I scanned the bar for her finding her by the front door with Matt Lauche. My entire body tightened and I started to stand up. Owen put his hand on my shoulder, forcing me back down in my seat, reminding me that my rips were not even close to healed. Matt and I locked eyes and I wanted to tear his head off his body as he smirked at me. And then before I knew it, he grabbed Janet and kissed her, it happened so quickly as she slapped him. There's my fighter. Me and my boys all stood up in unison, a like had been crossed and there would be a reckoning. Janet ran off and we followed Matt and his buddies outside. My blood boiled as it pumped through my veins.

"Lauche!" My fists were clenched at my sides. Ikey to my right, Owen and Nick to my left.

"Ahh, Eddie. Fancy meeting you here. How have you been?"

"Fuck off, I am only going to say this once. Janet is off limits. You want to fuck with me, that's fine. I can take it. You go near her again and you have a huge problem."

"Actually you have four problems" Owen chimed in.

"Don't you mean five, I am sure Rooster would fight for her honor."

"I am sure he would Janet is the kinda girl you fight for." he opened his mouth to speak, I knew an insult of Janet was coming. I took a step forward. "You know Lauche, you're not suppose to be within a hundred yards of me. You are in violation of your probation as we speak. Now if we were to get into a fight, well that would get you right back in jail." His face dropped, knowing that all I would need to do is throw one punch and he would be over. "Like I said Janet is off limits."

* * *

I pushed open the door to the storage room and I knew she was crying. God I hated it when Janet cried, and apparently she had been doing a lot of it. It was unsettling, seeing her with a bottle of whisky in one hand and a shot glass in the other, and yesterday her shopping cart was full of wine. She only drank this much when she was sad.

"Hey." I barely managed to croak out. I was trying to calm the anger I had for Matt, still wanting to kick the shit out of him for leaving Janet in this condition.

"Hey."

"Are you ok?" It was a stupid, useless question. She was not ok. Nothing was ok.

"I'm fine Eddie." She was fighting back her tears and I felt actual pain in my heart.

"Janet, come on, are you ok?"

"No. ok. No."

"I am sorry that Matt kissed you. That son of a bitch. That had to do with me and you just got caught up in the mess. It wont happen again." The moment he kissed her flashed into my mind, and I clenched my jaw. Fucking Lauche.

"Yeah, I know." All I really wanted to do was wrap my arms around her, that was the only thing I could think to do. I knew it would make us both feel better, I knew it was what we both needed. I wondered if she missed me half as much as she missed her. I couldn't not hold her, just being so close to her in this little room/.I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and pulled her body to mine. When I felt her body relax, and her hands wrapped around my wrists, I knew that this had to stop. I couldn't be without her, but I just didn't know how. How do you forgive what you don't really understand.

"I don't know what do here Janet. I just don't know what to do."

"Either do I." I finally let her go, needing more time. For what I had no idea. The only thing I did know was that walking away from her was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

* * *

"You ok?" I sat back down at the table, not really knowing of I should stay or go. What would be better for Janet.

"Yeah Nicky, I am fine."

"You look like crap my friend. You look how I feel. Is Janet ok?"

"Not really no. This is all my fault isn't it?" Nick looked at me, and I already knew his answer. He had no poker face.

"Yeah I think it is. I mean not all of it but a sizeable portion is."

"Look Eddie, you both made mistakes, just like me and Allison." Owen glanced at Ikey, who slid down in his seat. I couldn't imagine how hard it was for Ikey to see Allison, hear Owen talk about her and feel all the guilt he must have been feeling. "I think we, you and Janet and me and Allison suffered from the same problem. We didn't say all the things we should have said and then it was too late." Owen was right, all of our problems were about words, things that were said and the things that weren't.

"Ikey, can you get a ride home. I think I am going to take off."

"Sure man no problem."

I drove around for a while trying to clear my head, trying to figure everything out. Why was this so hard for me. I finally found myself back in Sully's parking lot. It was just after one, Janet probably just did last call. I had an hour to wait, maybe less. She finally appeared, I knew she would try and stop me. That was so Janet, never wanting to accept help. I followed her home, not sure if I was going to stay and ask her all the questions that I had or just leave. I needed to know, wanted to understand how we got here. To this place I never wanted us to be.

I got more then I was really ready for, we fought, she said things, I said things. The more I found out about that day the more I felt like shit. Janet had spoken to Rory, she knew she was in the Ridge the entire time, so all my dodging and shadiness made it worse. I also had not idea that Janet was drunk on Moonshine, fucking Rooster brought her Moonshine. And then all the awful horrible stupid things I said to her in the hospital and then I told her she had emotional issues. I mean what the fuck was I thinking. And then I could feel her slipping away. Why couldn't I just say the three little words that I wanted to say, three words that she needed to hear. She was literally running away from me and my chest tightened, I knew that if I didn't tell her now, that I might never get the chance.

"I love you…"


	3. Chapter 3

Ikey- Grace is Gone, Dave Matthews

Neon shines through smokey eyes tonight

It's 2 a.m. I'm drunk again

And it's heavy on my mind

I could never love again

So much as I love you

Where you end, where I begin

Is like a river running through

Take my eyes, take my heart

I need them no more

If never again I fall upon the one I so adore

(Chorus)

Excuse me please, one more drink

Could you make it strong

Cause I don't need to think

She broke my heart

My grace is gone

One more drink and I'll move on

One drink to remember

Then another to forget

How could I ever dream to find

Sweet love like you again

One drink to remember

Then another to forget

Excuse me please, one more drink

Could you make it strong

Cause I don't need to think

She broke my heart

My grace is gone

One more drink and I'll move on

One more drink and I'll be gone

You think of things impossible

Then the sun refuse to shine

I walk with you beside me

Your cold hand lay in mine

Excuse me please, one more drink

Could you make it strong

Cause I don't need to think

She broke my heart

My grace is gone

One more drink and I'll go

Excuse me please, one more drink

Could you make it strong

Cause I don't need to think

She broke my heart

My grace is gone

One more drink and I'll move on

One more drink and I'll be gone

One more drink my grace is gone

* * *

Awww shit it was cold. But I would rather be humping it to Sully's, freezing my ass off then to sit and listen to Eddie talk himself out of forgiving Janet for the hundredth time. I mean I thought I was an idiot, falling for my best friends wife, but Eddie takes the cake. The girl you love, loves you back, you fuck up she fucks up, but the girl loves you... that's a no brainer, you forgive the girl, you love the girl. Cause let me tell you being alone, when you love a girl and she doesn't love you, there ain't nothing worse. Nothing, not even having all your buddies turn their backs on you. That sucks too, don't get me wrong but it's a different kinda suck. When the guys all turned their backs on me, even after the tribunal when I put it all out there. Shit, I never felt so alone in all my days. It was like I was invisible, like I was nothing. But when Allison and I ended things and Owen found out. It was I don't know, empty or something. Like I didn't realize how much I needed her until she was gone. Until I couldn't touch her or hold her, be with her. Even just to talk to her. There ain't enough beer in all of Sully's to make me forget the fact that I love Allison, there I said it. I love her, trust me I know I shouldn't. Its wrong in every way possible, but there is just something about her. I wish there wasn't. I wish I still felt how I did when I first met her.

I remember the day Owen brought Allison home to the Ridge for the first time. I thought she was hot, hotter then Big O deserved, she was more a Latekka girl. You know, super pretty, super stuck up, super bitchy. She was so prim and proper, like the girls I used to go to catholic school with as a kid. All sweater sets and loafers, never a red hair out of place But as it turns out she is just shy, really really shy, kinda like me I guess. She never felt like she fit into Owen's life, but she loved him. Whatever the point is, you cant judge a book by its cover.

Like me for example... I'm a schmo, a fly on the wall, the goofball. No one pays me any bother or mind... I wasn't even worthy of Nicky's book. I guess that says it all right. People act like I don't have ideas. Like I don't think thoughts. I'm the guy no one takes seriously, no one...Not my friends, not my ma, not even me. Allison sure as hell didn't. Every time we were together and I mean EVERYTIME she would say something, like how she couldn't believe she was attracted to "someone like me". Like I had no feelings or something. What the fuck does that mean "someone like me". Do I smell like cheese, have three eyes or bat wings. What's so wrong with me? Sure I am not a lady killer like Eddie, or a brain trust like Phil, I can barely write my name no less a novel like Nick, and Owen with his big old heart. Sure I live over my parents garage, I have no savings, no plan, I screwed over my best friend, but well I guess there are no buts I am an idiot... there it is... I am in idiot... a waste of life and space idiot... It's no wonder why Allison didn't love me back. I mean she never said she did, but either did I so who knows… It doesn't matter what could I offer her really. What could I offer anyone.

Ahhh forget it. No! Lets not forget it...Cause when you slice and dice it,… Eddie is a jerk, all the girls he screwed then screwed over, Phil doesn't leave the house, Nick left Hannah in the dust and Owen neglected the best thing that ever happened to him. No one is perfect, no one. Truth be told, I am still creased about how they all just shut me out when Big cat spilled the beans about me and Allison. I know I was wrong, it was a fucked up thing I did... we did... but I didn't do it to Nick or Phil or even Eddie sitting on his high horse. The only person who had the right to be creased was Owen. I get that sides were chosen, but not one of them asked me if I was ok, after twenty years of friendship no one even asked. Not a phone call nothing, zilch. All the times I have been there, sure I was just in the background but I was there. When Eddie's ma died, after 9/11 when Phil was like crazy, when Owen's kids were born, when Nick came back I didn't give him an ounce of crap. I was there. In a matter of a week I lost Allison, my friends and my job and no one even thought to ask if I was ok. Yes I know I brought it upon myself. But you know what Eddie brought the breakup with Janet on himself and we are all rallying around him. The only ones to show me a shred of concern was the girls... Pizza Girl, Janet and Hannah Jane... They still treated me like I was human.

* * *

I walked in to Sully's like I had done a thousand times before, no one calling out my name like they do for Eddie or Owen. Even Nick gets a shout out now. I slipped thru the packed crowd to the stool I usually take when I am there alone. Karen and Sully were behind the bar, I ordered my usual and pulled my hoodie over my head sipping my beer, pretending to watch the game on the big screen. Funny thing, I don't even like beer. But I'd rather be sitting here drinking a beer then sitting alone over the garage, my ma making me a sandwich.

An hour or two passed, I had a few more beers and some lame conversations with who ever happened to pass by. I was always good for a laugh if nothing else. Like one of those jokers…jousters… jesters… whatever I don't know, those guys with the funny hats who used to crack jokes for kings and queens.

Four beers and one shot later and I had a nice buzz, I was feeling no pain. Depending on the night the drinks would make me feel better or worse, I was hoping not to end up passed out in a back booth. But I had a feeling it was going to be that kinda night.

"Hey Ikey, what goes on?" Janet walked behind the bar, putting her purse on the back counter like she always did. I was always kinda a dick to Janet, I was just trying to be funny I guess. Wanting to have something to say, cause what else do I have going girlfriend, no kids, no real life to speak about. So an easy joke about Janet the Planet and I was set. I could talk for ten minutes on that alone. But she didn't deserve it, she was always cool to me. Always.

"Hey Janet, whatcha doing here on a Thursday night?"

"Since Rooster left I have been covering his shifts and mine. Keeps me busy and the money doesn't hurt you know. But I cant wait until Pizza Girl starts" She looked at my empty glass and without asking she got me another beer, just the one I liked.

"Her name is UhEmily."

"What?"

"It's a thing, just call her UhEmily." She looked at me like I had ten heads, it was a look I was very used to.

"How are you doing?" She asked and I could tell she really anted to know, us cheaters sticking together I guess.

"Good I guess, the boys are talking to me now, that's somethin. Considering what I did and all. Its more then I deserve."

"Who are you telling Ikey."

"What you did and what I did, are not the same dids Janet. Eddie will come around." He would be coming around tomorrow night, if I had know she was working Thursdays I would have gotten his dumb ass in here sooner.

"Yeah, I don't think so Ikey. I mean you were there today at the market. You saw, it was not good. Just the look on his face, he is never ever going to forgive me…" I felt like crap watching the tears well up in his eyes, god Eddie was dick. "Anyway lets not. I have a long night a head of me." I smiled and took a sip of my beer, tipping it in her direction before I did.

It was a long night, the Duf kids always packed the place on a Thursday. Janet broke up two fights, judged a arm wrestling match or three. I drank, one shot then another, it was nice to not have the guys there, to not have to feel like my tail should be between my legs, looking for their forgiveness.

"Last call Ike, what can I get ya?" She yawned and threw the towel over her shoulder.

"Uh, a shot I guess. You want one?"

"Sure why the heck not." Janet poured two whiskeys, we clinked our glasses. The whiskey burned and I hated to admit Janet took the shot better then I did. "Ikey, what's wrong, you seem off. More then usual."

"I'm fine Janet. No worries."

"That's a crock of crap. You've been coming in her alone for months now, since the whole Allison thing went down, I thought you guys were you know, working it out."

"Yeah, after the Eddie beat down, things have gotten better but I miss her."

"Allison?"

"Yeah. I mean I know I have no right, but I miss her. And that ain't gonna change."

"I miss Eddie, so trust me I get it. You know Ikey, I wish there was something I could tell you, some stupid riddle that would help you make sense of everything. Why you fell in love with her, why she had the affair with you. But I got nothing. All I can say is shit happens, none of us live in glass houses and it is what it is…" We both laughed, and Janet poured us each another shot.

"You could put that on a t-shirt Janet and make millions."

"Damn right I could. To you and me and our indiscretions." Janet and I raised our glasses and drank the shot.

"You think Allison misses me?"

"I don't know Ikey, I mean yeah, I am sure she must. Despite all the drama you guys had a connection right?" We did have a connection, a real one. I told her thing I never told a single living soul. Things about my sister who died when I was seven, my ma's drinking. She told me about Owen, and how lonely she was, how much she missed her old life. Don't get me wrong the sex was… great, better then great. But it was more then that, she fell for me too.

"Yeah we did. You know I haven't see her since Christmas. I used to see her a few times a week and now, its been three months. It sucks Janet."

"But Owen is speaking to you, there is a price for that. Allison is it. Listen, let me finish closing up and I will give you a ride home."

* * *

I pulled up to Gelson, to meet the guys. I was still pissed at Eddie for all his whining, and I was still uncomfortable around Owen, but the were the only friends I had. I had no clue who I was without them. I knocked, still not sure if I could just walk in like I used to.

"Hey Ikey!" Phil was anther one I couldn't understand, to have his brains and be so damn stupid. Not leaving the house for all these years, letting Pizza Girl…I mean UhEmily go out in the world with out him. She was a pretty dolly, sweet, funny. There was no way she was going to wait for Phil forever. She was the kinda girl who wanted to see the world.

"Phys, what goes on?"

"You know, same old. Come on, UhEmily made snacks!" The guys were sitting around in their usual spots, drinks in hand eating some crazy thing UhEmily had made. Owen always gave me a look every time he saw me, like he would forget for a split second that he was trying to forgive me. It made me feel like shit each and every time. I took my place off to the side and cracked open a beer, while the guys talked about Eddie's "epic return to Sully's". Uh, hello my idea not his… but whatever.

"So Janet's working tonight right Eddie?" Duh, Nicky, Janet works every Friday night.

"That she is Nicky."

"You gonna try and mend that fence?" Nick looked so smug when he spoke, like he just pulled the idea out of the sky.

"That's the idea." Yeah, MY IDEA!

"Yay! This is fantastic news Eddie, Janet deserves a second chance. Everyone does." UhEmily, look at me as she spoke and then to Owen, who nodded slightly before taking a sip of his beer.

"Janet's been keeping a low profile, are you sure she is going to be there tonight. She wasn't last Friday."

"Owen makes a good point… you cant mend the fence if the fence isn't there to be mended."

"She'll be there, she worked last night too." I should have kept my trap shut because the inquisition began.

"You saw her… at Sullys?"

"No Phil, I saw her on the moon, yeah I saw her at Sully's. She was filling in Roo… she has more shifts now, at least until Pippi over there starts. Anyway, she is working tonight."

"You talked to her?" Eddie looked at me and I nodded yes. "How is she?"

"Uh, she was hurt that you ran off, and she is sad I guess. But she doesn't expect anything, it's a shame… a girl like that…" I stopped, knowing what I was about to say would piss Eddie off. I was just inching back in to his good graces and I already pushed my luck yesterday.

"A girl like that what Ikey." Fuck he was already pissed. "A girl like that WHAT?"

"A girl like that, sweet and pretty and nice thinking that she ain't worth nothing because you wont talk to her." he room was silent, no one moved or spoke. Eddie just sat there glaring at me. "She cried, you know. I don't know what it is about your women, but they love to cry to me when you don't treat them right." I was digging myself a deeper and deeper hole, now Owen was glaring. "It ain't right, you guys don't know how lucky you have what you got and then you mess it all up. Ahhhh never mind." I thought Eddie was going to punch me in the face, his fists clenched at his sides, Owen was no better. I was sick and tired of holding my tongue, sick and tired of my tail between my legs. I was in it now, no turning back. "You think for one second O that Allison would have ended up in bed with me if you would have been the man she married, Janet would have never slept with Rooster if you would have told her you loved her and Hannah would not be engaged to Ray if you would just stop being a pussy and tell her you love her. Three words guys. I LOVE YOU! The only one here who hasn't screwed everything up is Phil and he never leaves the house. Hello." Crickets, they just sat there looking pissed and said nothing. Like I said no one listens to a damn thing I say. I stood up and grabbed my jacket, took the last sip of my now warm beer and started my way towards the door.

"Ikey wait." I heard Owens voice behind my and I froze, knowing he was going to kick my ass. I had it coming, one punch was not ever gonna cut it. "You're right. Ok. You're right." I turned slowly, there was no way that he just said that.

"Waaaa?"

"You heard me dumbass."

"I told you Phys, He has become Yoda or somethin." Eddie shook his head and smiled at me, a real smile. "Come on, let's go get my girl back."


	4. Chapter 4

Hello All-

I have not written OR in a good long while but I head this song and thought of Pizza Girl/Emily so I had to write this chapter. I hope you guys like. I am also woring on a new one for Father of it all, so that should be posting soon.

Just so you guys know, I am writing another story on the Fifty Shades FF, under a new name PerhapsPerhapsPerhaps. I didnt want to mix it with my CBD because those Fifty fans can be brutal. The story is called Darkness and White and it is kinda of the antithesis of Fifty. i am really tired of stories that promte women seek out dangerous men, so i decided to write something different. I have added some OR touches to that story, breadcrumbs for you to find. So if you want to check it out i would love to hear your thoughts.

As always please follow and review, its really the driving force for all of us who write on here.

Thanks for reading

xoxo CBD

* * *

Merry Merry Happy Kate Nash - Emily

Watching me like you never watch no one

Don't tell me that you didn't try and check out my bum

Cause I know that you did

Cause your friend told me that you liked it

Gave me those pearls and I thought they were ugly

Though you try to tell me that you never loved me

I know that you did

'Cause you said it and you wrote it down

Dancing at discos

Eating cheese on toast

Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy

But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos

Eating cheese on toast

Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy

But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you

Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

So I learnt form you

Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah

I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone, yeah

I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone

I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone, yeah

I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone, yeah

I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone

I can watch a sunset on my own

Sitting in restaurants

Thought we were so grown up

But I know now that we were not the people

That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone

Can't take back those hours

But I won't regret

'Cause you can grow flowers

From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos

Eating cheese on toast

Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy

But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos

Eating cheese on toast

Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy

But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you

Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

So I learnt from you

Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah

I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone, yeah

I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone

I can watch a sunset on my own

(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

I can be alone, yeah

I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone, yeah

I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone

I can watch a sunset on my own

(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

* * *

I have always been the odd one, it's kinda my thing I guess. My sisters are all so painfully normal. They ooze normality and grace and cardigan sweaters. So me, I stick out with my hair and my tights and stripes, but I am happy. I know exactly who I am right now, and I am still figuring out who I am gonna be. Like I remember this one time, I was knitting what I thought was going to be a blanket but then I ended up making a poncho ( that I wear all the time). I wonder if my sisters are blankets that should have been ponchos. Or this other time when Phil thought he was being sweet and gave me this pearl necklace he found in the attic, it was awful and plain. So I dipped the pearls in colored dye and re-strung it and now it is perfectly me. A pearl-tastic rainbow.

Anyway, I am different is the point and sometimes different can be really lonely. My family never even tried to understand me, instead they just ignored me, easier to pretend I wasn't there at all. I spent a lot of time alone. But I think that is the reason I am so self sufficient and contained. I can find fun in the silliest things: cotton ball art, pearl dying, 1,001 things to make out of duct tape, whipping up something crazy in the kitchen like pizza stuffed mushrooms or lettuce soup. Some things work some things don't but the most important thing is that you try.

I never really had friends growing up, which is why I am so grateful for Hannah and Janet now) I kinda just kept to myself. I had my books and my music and my art and thankfully it was enough that is until I met Phil.

I had heard the rumors about him. Freaky Phil, the man who never leaves the house, the man who can't be moved. Even before I met him, I knew we would could be friends. Us freaks need to stick together. But I see now how important it is for me to help him get out of the house. There is a great big world out there and it is just waiting for Phil and I to make a mess in it. Slosh around in puddles, swim in the dead sea, run a mile in the Sahara, drink shots in New York City, drink a pint in Dublin… A whole world out there just for me and Phil. God, I would just like to sit and watch a sunset with him, just a simple sunset. But I don't know how I can convince him, It has been months since he took a ride in Klaus and that didn't go well. Have you ever pushed a car for a mile. Let me tell you, it is the complete and total opposite of fun.

Phil is missing out on all the fun, like tonight for example. All his friends are at Sully's trying to help Eddie get Janet back together and Phil and I are sitting here eating toast and watching CNN. I mean it's Friday night. I want to be at Sully's with our friends, laughing and drinking and dancing. Not that I don't love these nights with Phil, snuggled up on the couch talking for hours about nothing and everything. Cause I do, I love it and I love Phil and I love our life together but we could have so much more, be so much more. Have you ever met someone who just understood you, someone who made you feel like everything is possible. That's how Phil makes me feel. Like I am seen, for the first time.

"UhEmily, so how do you think Operation Jeddie is going?" I looked up at Phil and I had no idea what he was talking about.

"Uh, Operation Jeddie? I know we are living in a post 9/11 word, but I have no clue what that is… was it on CNN today?"

"No Silly, Operation Jeddie… Janet plus Eddie… Jeddie… Hello… I wonder how it is going down out Sully's." I laughed out loud, Phil was always giving things cute names. This is what I am talking about, he is just so funny and smart and wonderful in everyway but one.

"Jeddie I like the sound of that. I hope is all goes well, but they are both stubborn like bulls."

"Philily… that would be you and me… or UhEmil?" He looked at me with a puzzled expression and all I could do was laugh.

"I like Philily, it has a nice ring to it. Sounds like a flower." I jumped up of the sofa, sending toast crust in all directions.

"Where are you going?"

"I am going to go draw a Philily. I'm gonna go head over to my place and pick up some of my art supplies, I will be back in a jumpin jack flash."

"Could you get some salsa on the way back, I am feeling like some nachos"

"Will do!"

* * *

I lied, I felt awful that I did it but, I wanted to go to Sully's and see how Operation Jeddie was going first hand. When I got there all the guys were outside, with Matt and his crew of asshats. I knew right away that operation Jeddie was going down hill fast. I watched Matt walk off with his tail between his legs, grateful it didn't come to blows. Eddie was still nursing a bashed up face and broken ribs, he couldn't take a round two. I followed them into the bar, and Ikey smiled at me. Poor Ikey. He is such a great guy, I wish he could find someone who would appreciate him. Make him a better man.

Eddie walked off to the storage room and I sat down with boys trying to get a clue.

"Seriously, Matt Kissed her? I mean WTF? If I didn't know any better I would say Lauche is nursing a Janet Meadows crush." They boys all looked at each other like light bulbs had gone off in their heads.

"That actually makes some sense. Good thinking UhEmily." Nicky nodded at me, eyebrows raised. "If I was writing this as a book a Janet Meadows crush with make perfect sense."

"If you were writing this I wouldn't be in the story at all." Ikey groaned taking a sip of his beer.

"True dat!" Ikey and I pounded fists. "Well on that note I got to motor, Phil thinks I am getting salsa. Keep me posted. Adios!"

* * *

It was days later and I was sitting in Hannah's kitchen with Janet and Sam. Janet was still a mess, things with her and Eddie were more complicated then ever and Hannah was having doubts about Ray. I was sitting there only half listening. My mind was on Phil. He was getting worse, too comfortable. He knew I never expected him to do anything he was not ready for, he know I would never push. So why would he change? Why would he take a step outside with me. Why! I needed to give him a reason, I needed to help him help himself.

"I think I am going to break up with Phil." I dropped the bomb and Janet and Hannah's heads whipped around to my direction.

"Excuse me?" It was Sam that finally spoke, his mouth agape.

"I think I have to, he is not getting any better."

"He will get better Uh, he will you just need to give him so more time."

"Janet, Its been nearly a year, you know. I need to dangle the carrot."

"Dangle the carrot?' Hannah looked at me puzzled.

"No, She is right. It like with me an Amanda. She didn't like me after the whole rocking the stadium thing, and then I decided I didn't like her anymore and started liking Megan. Megan was the carrot…"

"Exactly little man. See he gets it."

"Wait is that what I am doing with Eddie… Dangling the carrot?" Janet furrowed her brow and put her head in her hands letting out an ARGGGG.

"He tells you that he loves you, you have amazing S-E-X…"

"UhEMily I can spell sex. Duh."

"Sorry Sam, you have amazing sex and then you refuse to talk to him. I would say that qualifies as carrot dangling. And Ray is so your carrot Hannah Jane."

"It is not!"

"Yeah ma, he is. You want to be with Nick, you know you do. You are just scared because you don't want to tell him that he is my real dad!" Sam dropped a second bomb right there in the kitchen. All of our heads turned to his direction, mouths agape.

"Rockstar…"

"Don't ma. If you are going to lie to me I really don't want to hear it."

"Could you guys give us a few minutes please?" Hannah looked at us with tears in her eyes. I could literally feel the panic pouring off of her. Janet grabbed my hand under the table and gave it a squeeze.

"Sure thing Hannah, I got to get to Sully's for my shift. You call me if you need anything." Janet ruffled Sam's hair as she walked passed, grabbing her jacket.

"Ditto!" I chirped out, trying to act normal. For me anyway. 'Not about Sully's… about the phone call."

* * *

Phil and Eddie were in their usual seats, parked in front of the TV eating the last of the salsa and chips. Eddie was drinking a beer and by the look at the empties on the coffee table he was not having a good day. I said hello and neither one even looked in my direction, eyes glued to what looked like Shark Week.

"Phil, I really need to talk to you…"

"Can it wait, I really want to see this bit about the Mako Sharks mating habits."

"Sure Phil, if you want me to wait until after your show is over to break up with you then fine!" That got his attention and Eddie's too. He turned off the TV as he stood up and threw the remote on the sofa.

"What do you mean break up with me?" The pain on his face took all of the wind out of my sails but I knew I was doing this for the right reason. Eddie cleared his throat, reminding us that he was there.

"I am gonna just go…"

"No Latekka, you stay right where you are. Its not like Phil and I have had a moment of privacy this entire time. You are here or Owen or Ikey. Even the TV Steve! I cant do this Phil, wishing and waiting for you to go outside. I mean if you were at least trying to get better that would be one thing but your not! And why would you? You get your sex delivered just as easily as your pizza!"

"Emily its not like that. I want to get better I just…"

"Can't! WON'T! I love you Phil. I really do. But I want a life with you that includes the outside world. I want to sit with you in Sully's drinking a beer, I want to go to New York with you, I want to swim in the ocean with you."

"I want that too."

"Do you really? If I cant have it with you I am do it on my own. There is a whole world out there and I cant feel guilty for wanting to experience it. You know what, I am not coming back here, if you want to see me you know where I will be working now. You come and see me. And I am not going to wait forever, you have a month. Thirty days Phil. After that, well I am moving on with or with out you."

* * *

I pushed my way past Eddie, who looked like I had just broken up with him too. Just a few more minutes and then you can cry. Keep it together. I stormed out the front door, slamming it for good measure. And waited until I turned the corner. I slumped against a tree, and sobbed. God that was so much harder then I ever thought it would be. Maybe I didn't think this through. God I am such an idiot!

"Emily are you OK?" I was hoping to hear Phil's voice when I heard the footsteps behind me but it was Eddie.

"Yeah, I mean no but…" I wiped away my tears, smudging my new blue mascara. I must have looked like a mess. Eddie took the hem of his plaid shirt and wiped away the blue streaks from my face. Eddie was a ladies man, but I never say him like that. Sure he was hot, super duper hot! But to me he was like the big brother I always wanted but never had.

"What the hell just happened?"

"He needs incentive Eddie, he needs to be pushed. We all enable him."

"So you don't really want to break up with him then?" He crossed his arms against his chest and leaned against the tree with me.

"No, I just want him to get better and I am hoping this will work."

"It's a bold move, I will give you that. I hope for your sake and his… that it works. He is a freaking mess in there?" Panic began to fill my chest, I hated the idea that Phil was alone and in pain. But I had to remember why I was doing this.

"Then why are you here with me?"

"He sent me, he wanted me to bring you back. He begged me to bring you back."

"Eddie you can't tell him!"

"I won't I think you may be right, this is what he needs a good kick in his skinny ass." He looked smug and from where I am standing he had no right.

"You could use a kick yourself."

"And why is that?"

"Because you are an idiot for letting Janet push you away. She is scared. Really scared and she needs you now more then ever. Don't let her, promise me."

"Do you know something?" I knew a lot but I was not about to break girl code, and betray the trust of one of my only friends.

"That's not the point, just promise me you won't let her push you away." He looked at me reluctantly, I knew I had worried him. Good a little worry never hurt a man. "Promise me Eddie."

"I promise."


End file.
